A new posting can begin with cardboard boxes in the lounge room. An exercise can start with a packed bag by the door and a goodbye that feels too quick. For children, these moments can bring excitement, worry, questions, or all three at once. This Australian Army family change guide is for parents and caregivers who want to make space for those feelings while helping their child feel safe, included and unconditionally loved.
There is no perfect way to handle change in a Defence family. What helps one child may not help their sibling, and a calm-looking child may still be carrying big feelings quietly. The aim is not to make every transition easy. It is to show your child that they do not have to face it alone.
Why Army family changes can feel big to children
Adults often understand the practical reason behind a posting, deployment or field exercise. Children usually experience the personal impact first. Their parent is away at bedtime. Their familiar route to kindy changes. Their friends are no longer nearby. The household routines they rely on may suddenly look different.
Young children can also struggle with time. “A few weeks” or “when Dad gets back” may feel unclear, especially if plans shift. Older primary-school children may understand more of the situation, but they can still worry about safety, miss out on activities, or feel tired of explaining Army life to friends.
Behaviour is often communication. A child who becomes clingy, cranky, tearful or unusually quiet may be saying, “This feels too much,” rather than trying to make things harder. Naming that experience gently can take some of its power away: “You really wish Mum was here for dinner tonight. I miss her too.”
Start the conversation before the change
When you can prepare your child ahead of time, do. A simple, honest explanation gives them time to ask questions and absorb what is happening. Keep the language suited to their age, and avoid making promises you cannot control. Army schedules and arrangements can change, so it is kinder to say, “The plan is for Dad to be away until after your school assembly,” than to guarantee an exact return time.
Share what will stay the same as well as what will change. Your child may need to hear that their favourite teddy is coming to the new house, that Friday pizza night is still happening, or that Nan will do school pick-up while their parent is away. Familiar routines are not small things. They are steady points children can hold onto.
It can help to have the conversation in an ordinary, quiet moment rather than during a rushed morning. Sitting together while drawing, driving home, or having a snack can make it easier for children to talk without feeling put on the spot.
Use clear, child-sized explanations
Children deserve truthful answers, but they do not need every adult detail. Explain the purpose in language they can understand: “Mum has Army work to do away from home,” or “Our family is moving because the Army needs Mum to work in a different place.” If they ask a question you cannot answer, it is okay to say so.
Try not to dismiss fears with “Don’t worry.” A child may hear that as a signal their worry is unwelcome. Instead, acknowledge it: “It makes sense that you feel worried about starting a new school. We will work out the first day together.”
Give children a role without giving them responsibility
Being included can help children feel more in control. During a move, they might choose the colour of a new bedroom wall, pack a box of special things, or help make a list of places they want to visit in the new area. Before a parent leaves, they could choose photos for a countdown calendar or make a small note to tuck into a bag.
The boundary matters. Children should be invited to participate, not asked to carry the emotional load of the family. They do not need to become “the brave one”, look after a distressed parent, or hide their sadness to make a serving parent feel better. Let them know that missing someone and loving them can exist together.
A simple connection plan can be reassuring. Depending on what is possible, this may include a regular phone call, voice messages, drawings, a photo by the bed, or a pre-recorded bedtime story. Keep the plan flexible. Communication during service can be inconsistent, and missed contact is not a sign that a parent has forgotten or stopped caring.
Build a rhythm for the time apart
During an exercise or deployment, days can feel long when children are waiting for contact. A visible calendar can turn an abstract absence into something they can see. For some families, marking off sleeps is helpful. For others, too much focus on the return date increases anxiety. Watch your child and adjust.
Small rituals create connection. You might eat the same breakfast on Sunday, send one drawing each week, make a “things to tell you” jar, or read the same book at bedtime. These rituals do not replace the absent parent. They remind children that their relationship is still there, even when the parent cannot be physically present.
Keep life moving where you can. Sport, playdates, school routines and ordinary trips to the park give children permission to keep enjoying themselves. They do not have to be sad every day to prove they miss their parent.
Make room for mixed feelings
A child can be proud of their Army parent and angry that they missed their concert. They can be excited about a new home and devastated to leave a best friend. These feelings are not contradictory. They are a normal response to a life that asks children to adapt often.
You can model this without making your child responsible for your emotions. “I’m feeling a bit wobbly about the move too, but we are going to take it one step at a time,” shows that feelings can be named and managed. It also gives your child permission to be honest.
Creative activities can help when talking is difficult. Drawing the old house and the new one, making a worry box, acting out a goodbye with toys, or reading a story about a child in a Defence family can give feelings somewhere to go. Sea Sky Land creates child-friendly stories for these conversations, helping families find gentle words for experiences that can otherwise feel hard to explain.
Help a child settle after a posting
A posting is more than a change of address. Children may be leaving educators, friends, grandparents, teams and familiar places. Even a move to a place they have wanted to live can involve grief for what they know.
In the first weeks, keep expectations realistic. Your child may need more reassurance at drop-off, more quiet time after school, or more help with sleep. Visit the local playground, library or sporting club together, but do not expect an instant friendship group. Settling takes time.
Let old connections continue where practical. A video call with a friend, postcards, or a familiar face at the other end of a message can make the past feel less suddenly closed off. At the same time, gently create opportunities for new belonging. A single friendly child at school, a regular activity, or knowing the name of the local café owner can begin to make a new place feel like home.
When your child needs extra support
Most children will show some stress during change and gradually find their feet with loving support. Still, seek extra help if big feelings are lasting, increasing, or getting in the way of daily life. Ongoing sleep difficulties, frequent physical complaints without a clear cause, withdrawing from friends, persistent worries, major changes in eating, or distress that affects school are worth discussing with a GP, school wellbeing staff, or a qualified child health professional.
Asking for support is not a sign you have failed your child. Defence family life can ask a lot of parents as well as children. A trusted village can make the load lighter.
Your child does not need every transition to be cheerful or tidy. They need steady adults who listen, tell the truth with care, and keep reminding them: our family may be changing, but we are still connected.
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