The packed bag by the door, a change to the family routine, a parent checking their kit one more time - children notice more than adults often expect. Deployment anxiety can begin well before a parent leaves, and it does not always look like worry. It may show up as tears at bedtime, big feelings over small things, clinginess, tummy aches, arguments, or questions asked again and again.
For ADF families, a deployment, exercise or period away can bring pride and purpose alongside real uncertainty. Children can hold both feelings at once. They can love their serving parent deeply, understand that their work matters, and still wish they did not have to go. Making room for all of this helps children feel heard rather than hurried through a difficult season.
What deployment anxiety can look like in children
Young children do not always have the words to say, “I am worried about what will happen when Mum or Dad is away.” Their worries tend to come out through behaviour, play and everyday questions. A preschooler may become unsettled at drop-off or start waking overnight. A primary school-aged child may seem cross, distracted at school, or unusually determined to stay close to the parent who is leaving.
Some children ask practical questions: “Where will they sleep?” “Can they come home if I get sick?” “How many sleeps?” Others say very little, perhaps because they do not want to make anyone sad or because they are still working out what they feel. Quietness is not necessarily a sign that a child is coping easily.
There is no single ‘right’ response. Age, temperament, previous separations, the amount of information available and what else is happening in family life can all shape a child’s experience. A child who managed the last deployment well may still find the next one hard. That is not a setback. It is a normal response to a situation that asks a lot of them.
Talk about deployment anxiety honestly, simply and often
One big family conversation is rarely enough. Children usually need short, calm conversations over time, with the chance to return to the same question as often as they need. This is how they make a big idea feel more manageable.
Use words that suit your child’s age and your family’s circumstances. You might say, “Dad has to go away for work with the Defence Force. We will miss him, and we have a plan to stay connected while he is away.” Be truthful without giving a child information they cannot yet carry. If you do not know an answer, it is okay to say so: “I do not know that yet. When I find out, I will tell you.”
Try not to promise things that are outside your control, such as an exact return date or a video call every night. Plans can change. A more dependable message is, “We will keep finding ways to feel close, even when plans change.” Predictability builds trust, but so does gentle honesty.
When emotions rise, name what you can see without trying to fix it straight away. “You seem worried that Mum will miss your concert. That makes sense. You really want her there.” Being understood can settle a child more than a quick reassurance ever could.
Let feelings be allowed, not solved
Children need permission to feel sad, angry, worried, proud and excited. Sometimes all in the same afternoon. Saying “Don’t be sad” is usually an attempt to comfort, but it can accidentally teach a child that sadness is too much for the family to hold.
Instead, try: “It is hard to say goodbye because we love each other so much.” You can follow this with comfort, a cuddle, a quiet activity or a practical plan. The goal is not to remove every hard feeling. It is to show your child that feelings can be noticed, shared and safely carried together.
Create small anchors before and during time apart
When a parent is away, everyday routines become more than chores. Breakfast at the same time, a familiar bedtime story, Friday pizza night or walking the dog after school can reassure children that their world still has steady parts.
It can help to involve children in choosing a few connection rituals before the departure. Keep them realistic and flexible. A young child might keep a photo near their bed, wear a matching bracelet, or place a drawing in a special box for the parent who is away. Older children may enjoy recording short voice messages, sharing a journal, or marking key events on a calendar.
A visual countdown can be useful, especially when children understand time through routines rather than dates. Yet it is worth choosing language carefully. If the return date could move, use a calendar to mark family plans and contact opportunities rather than presenting it as a guarantee. A paper chain, for example, can represent ‘today’ and the next small milestone instead of making every link a promise.
Connection does not have to be elaborate to matter. A familiar saying at the end of a call, a note tucked into a lunchbox before departure, or reading the same book in two places can remind a child: “We are still a family, even when we are apart.”
Give children a role without giving them adult worries
Children often cope better when they have a meaningful place in the family plan. They could choose a photo for the fridge, help make a care package, decide what to share on a call, or take responsibility for watering a plant until their parent returns. These small jobs offer agency at a time when much feels outside their control.
The line to watch is whether a child begins to feel responsible for an adult’s wellbeing. They do not need to become the ‘man of the house’, look after a grieving parent, or hide their own distress to keep peace. Let children contribute, but keep adult burdens with adults. A simple message helps: “Your job is to be a kid. The grown-ups will take care of the grown-up things.”
This matters for families of emergency workers, police, ambulance officers, firefighters and FIFO parents too. The details of the work may differ, but children often know the feeling of loving someone whose work takes them away or asks a lot of the family.
Use stories and play to make the hard parts speakable
For many children, play is the safest language for uncertainty. They may send toy figures on missions, build homes, practise goodbyes, or make a character very cross that someone has gone away. Joining quietly can offer insight without turning play into an interrogation.
Books can also create a helpful bit of distance. A child may find it easier to talk about a character’s worries before sharing their own. You might pause and ask, “What do you think they are feeling?” or “Has anything like that happened in our family?” There is no need to press for an answer. The shared story is already opening a door.
Sea Sky Land books are made with care for defence-connected children, giving families child-friendly language for postings, deployments and time apart. The most helpful resource is usually the one your child will return to - a story, picture, routine or conversation that makes them feel recognised.
When extra support could help
Most children experience some wobbles around separation and then find their footing with time, connection and support. But it is wise to seek further help if anxiety is intense, lasts for weeks, regularly affects sleep, school or friendships, or leaves your child unable to enjoy things they usually like.
Start with someone who knows your child well, such as their GP, early childhood educator, teacher or school wellbeing team. Defence families may also have access to support through service and community networks. Reaching out is not an overreaction or a sign you have done anything wrong. It is another way of showing your child that their feelings matter.
A parent’s own emotions deserve care as well. You do not need to appear unshaken for your child to feel safe. What helps is showing that sadness can sit alongside coping: “I am going to miss them too, and I have people and plans to help me.” Children learn steadiness not from perfect calm, but from seeing loving adults ask for support and keep going.
The goodbye may still be hard. The days apart may still carry unexpected tears. But each small, honest conversation tells your child something lasting: they are unconditionally loved, their worries have a place, and they do not have to face the uncertainty alone.
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