A deployment date on the calendar can change the feeling of a home long before anyone packs a bag. Children may become clingier at bedtime, ask the same question repeatedly, or seem completely unfazed until a small disappointment brings big tears. These responses are not a sign that you are getting it wrong. They are often a child’s way of making sense of a change they did not choose. Learning how to build family resilience starts there: noticing what is underneath the behaviour and meeting it with steady, loving support.
For ADF families, change can arrive in many forms - a posting, an exercise, a course, a period away at sea, or the readjustment that comes when a parent returns. FIFO and emergency service families know similar rhythms of absence, uncertainty and reunion. Resilience does not mean children never feel sad, worried or cross. It means they learn, over time, that hard feelings can be named, held and moved through, while their connection to family remains secure.
How to build family resilience without pretending things are easy
Children do not need adults to have every answer. They need to know that the adults around them can handle the question. A calm, honest response such as, “I know you wish Mum could be here for your concert. I wish that too. We can feel disappointed, and we can work out how to share it with her,” teaches far more than a rushed reassurance ever could.
Try to use clear, age-appropriate language. Young children usually need simple facts and frequent reminders. Explain where their parent is going, who will care for them, what will stay the same and when you will next connect if you know. Avoid promises that depend on circumstances outside your control. Rather than saying, “Dad will definitely call on Friday,” try, “Dad will call when he can, and we will keep checking for a message together.”
This approach can feel uncomfortable because parents naturally want to take uncertainty away. Yet gentle honesty helps children trust what they are told. When plans change, they can learn that change is disappointing but not dangerous, and that their family can adjust together.
Make room for every feeling
A child can be proud of their serving parent and angry that they are away. They can be excited about a new house while grieving the friends they have left behind. These feelings can sit side by side. There is no need to correct a child into feeling grateful, brave or happy before they are ready.
Instead, reflect what you see: “You have been very quiet since we talked about the posting. I wonder if part of you is worried about leaving your classroom.” If they say no, that is okay. The invitation matters. It shows them that feelings are welcome in your family, even the messy ones.
For younger children, feelings often emerge through play, drawing, movement or stories rather than conversation. A toy family heading off on an adventure, a picture full of storm clouds, or a sudden refusal to leave your side can all be openings for connection. Sit nearby, stay curious and resist the urge to solve everything straight away.
Build predictability into an unpredictable life
Military life asks families to be flexible. Children cope better with that flexibility when parts of daily life feel reliably theirs. A familiar breakfast, a bedtime book, Saturday pancakes or a walk after school can become small anchors when bigger plans shift.
The routine does not need to be elaborate. In fact, the best ones are simple enough to keep during a busy week or a difficult patch. Choose a few moments that say, “This is how our family comes back together.” It might be a goodbye ritual at the front door, a special phrase before bed, or a weekly video message recorded for an absent parent.
A visual calendar can also help, particularly for primary-school-aged children. Mark school events, visits, planned calls and milestones using pictures or colours. For a long absence, break time into manageable chunks: “First we have swimming lessons, then Grandma visits, then it will be time to send another parcel.” Children do not experience time as adults do. Seeing it can make waiting feel less endless.
Predictability should not become pressure. If a planned call is cancelled or a ritual is missed, name it and offer another connection point. The goal is not a perfect routine. It is the repeated experience of being cared for, even when the plan needs to change.
Keep the absent parent present in ordinary ways
Connection is built through everyday details, not only big emotional conversations. An absent parent can still be part of the family’s life through a voice recording, a photo in a lunchbox, a handwritten note, a familiar item of clothing or a shared book read over several nights.
It helps to keep these gestures realistic. Frequent video calls work beautifully for some children, while for others they can stir up distress or are simply impossible because of timing and service demands. There is no single right way to stay connected. A child might prefer a short voice message they can replay, or a simple ritual of telling the moon goodnight because their parent can see it too.
Shared stories can be especially useful because they give children safe language for experiences that are otherwise hard to explain. Reading about characters who face separation, moves and big feelings lets a child talk about the story first. Sometimes, that is the gentlest path towards talking about themselves. Sea Sky Land creates these kinds of child-friendly story tools with defence-connected children in mind.
Let children have a meaningful role
When adults are managing departure arrangements, work demands and their own emotions, children can feel that life is happening around them. Offering small choices restores a sense of agency. They might choose a photo for a care package, decide where to hang the calendar, pick the dinner for the first night apart, or help create a welcome-home sign.
The key is keeping responsibility appropriate. Children should never feel they need to be the “little adult”, protect a parent from worry, or keep everyone cheerful. Their role is to belong, contribute and be cared for. A simple message such as, “You do not have to fix this. The grown-ups will handle the grown-up jobs,” can be deeply reassuring.
Older children may want more information and a greater say in practical matters. Include them where you can, while protecting them from adult burdens. Ask what would make a move easier at school, or how they would like to keep in touch with friends. Listening to their ideas is a practical way to show that their voice counts.
Strengthen the circle around your family
Resilience is not built by coping alone. A trusted neighbour, grandparent, teacher, sporting coach or another defence family can make a significant difference, especially during a separation or move. Let key people know what is happening in a way that feels comfortable for your family. A teacher who understands that a parent is away can respond with extra care when a child has a hard morning.
It can be tempting to withdraw when you are tired or feel different from families whose routines seem more settled. But connection does not need to look like a full social calendar. One regular playdate, a school drop-off friend, or a family member who sends a voice note can be enough to remind both children and caregivers that they are not carrying everything alone.
If your child’s distress is persistent, affects sleep, school or daily life, or you are worried about their safety, reach out for professional support. Asking for help is not a failure of resilience. It is resilience in action: recognising when your family needs more care around it.
Care for the caregiver, too
Children take cues from the adults they love, but this does not mean you must appear cheerful all the time. It means showing them that feelings can be managed with kindness. You might say, “I am missing Dad today, so I am going to call a friend after dinner,” or, “I feel a bit wobbly, and taking a walk helps me.”
This models emotional skills without asking a child to care for you. It also gives you permission to find your own supports. Rest where you can, lower the bar on the weeks that demand more, and accept practical help before you are completely worn out. A home does not need to run perfectly for children to feel unconditionally loved.
Family resilience grows in ordinary moments: a truthful answer, a familiar bedtime routine, a tear welcomed rather than hurried away, a message replayed before sleep. Your child does not need a life without change. They need to know that, through every change, they have a place in the family and people who will keep coming back to them with care.