A child may ask the same question five times before breakfast: “When will Mum be home?” Or they may say nothing at all, then cry at school drop-off, cling at bedtime or suddenly refuse activities they usually enjoy. For families living with deployments, exercises, shift work, postings or an unpredictable call-out, learning how to reassure anxious kids is less about finding one perfect sentence and more about creating safety in small, repeatable ways.
Anxiety is not a sign that your child is being difficult, ungrateful or unable to cope. It is often their way of saying, “Something feels uncertain, and I need help making sense of it.” Defence-connected children can be deeply proud of their parent’s service while also feeling worried, cross or sad about the time apart. Both things can be true.
Start with connection, not correction
When a child says, “I don’t want Dad to go,” it can be tempting to jump straight to reassurance: “Don’t worry, it will be fine.” The intention is loving, but those words can accidentally make a child feel as though their worry is too big, inconvenient or wrong.
Try naming what you can see first. You might say, “You really wish Dad did not have to leave. Being apart feels hard.” Then pause. A child who feels heard is more likely to accept comfort, information and support.
You do not need to agree that the feared thing will happen in order to acknowledge the feeling. If your child says, “What if Mum doesn’t come back?”, a calm response could be: “That thought feels scary. Mum’s job has plans and people working to keep her safe. We will keep talking whenever that worry pops up.” This is more honest than a promise you cannot fully control, and more comforting than brushing the question aside.
For younger children, keep your language concrete. “Mum is going away for work. Gran and I will take you to kindy, make dinner and read your bedtime story.” For primary-school-aged children, give a little more context and invite questions. They may need to hear the same explanation many times as they process it.
How to reassure anxious kids with predictable routines
When one parent is away or family life changes quickly, routine tells children that their everyday world still has a shape. It does not need to be strict or picture-perfect. In fact, trying to maintain every routine exactly as it was can add pressure to an already stretched household. Choose a few anchors that are realistic for your family.
Breakfast together, the same goodbye phrase at the front door, a Wednesday pasta night, a bedtime book or a Sunday video call can become dependable points in the week. Put the plan somewhere your child can see it, such as a simple family calendar. Young children often understand time better through events than dates: “After three sleeps,” “after swimming lessons,” or “when we turn over these five cards”.
A visual countdown can help, but it depends on the child. Some children find it reassuring to cross off days; others become more distressed by watching how long remains. Notice their response and adjust. The aim is not to force them to focus on the separation. It is to make time feel understandable.
It also helps to let children know what will stay the same and what may change. “Dad may not be able to call every night during the exercise. If that happens, it is because he is busy at work, not because he has forgotten us. We will still send a message when we can.” Clear expectations protect children from filling a quiet mobile with frightening stories of their own.
Give worries somewhere to go
Children often show anxiety through their bodies and behaviour before they have words for it. They may have tummy aches, wake in the night, become bossy, lose their temper over small things or need more help with tasks they had been managing alone. These moments are communication, not a test of your patience.
Create a regular, low-pressure chance to talk. This might be while driving, building blocks, walking the dog or settling in at bedtime. Some children would rather draw their worry than discuss it directly. You could invite them to draw what their worry looks like, write a note to the away parent, or put a concern in a “worry box” to talk through together later.
Simple questions often work better than “Are you okay?” Try, “What was the hardest bit of today?”, “When did you miss Mum most?”, or “What would help your body feel safer right now?” Their answer may be a cuddle, a glass of water, a night-light or simply five quiet minutes beside you.
Avoid making every conversation about the parent who is away. Children need permission to keep being children too - to laugh, play, complain about homework and look forward to a birthday party. Joy does not mean they miss their parent less. It is part of coping.
Keep the absent parent present in ordinary ways
Connection is often built through everyday moments, not only big emotional calls. If communication is possible, short and reliable contact can be easier for young children than long calls that are cancelled without warning. A voice message before school, a photo of a funny cloud, a recorded bedtime story or a note tucked into a lunchbox can help a child feel remembered.
If calls are unpredictable, prepare your child gently. “We hope to speak to Mum on Saturday, but her work may change the plan. If we cannot call, we can still choose a photo to send and read her message together.” This protects the relationship from being measured only by whether a call happens on time.
A comfort item can also carry connection. It may be a scarf with a familiar scent, a small photo album, a matching keyring or a book that becomes part of the family’s separation routine. Reading stories about service life can give children safe words for feelings that are otherwise hard to explain. Sea Sky Land creates books with this purpose in mind: helping defence-connected children feel heard while giving families a gentle starting point for the conversations that matter.
Reassure through your own calm, not perfection
Children take cues from the adults around them, but this does not mean you must hide every feeling. Saying, “I’m going to miss Mum too, and I know we can look after each other,” teaches children that sadness and security can sit side by side.
What tends to unsettle children is not seeing an adult feel emotion. It is feeling responsible for fixing it. Let trusted adults support you, especially during the busy lead-up to a departure or the exhausting days after a posting. Protecting a little space for your own rest, meals and connection is part of caring for your child.
Be careful not to use your child as a messenger, emotional confidant or source of updates for the away parent. Keep adult worries between adults where possible. Children need to know they can be honest without having to manage anyone else’s feelings.
When extra support may help
Most children show some worry during separation and transition, and reassurance, routine and time can make a meaningful difference. But it is worth seeking extra support if anxiety is lasting for weeks, growing stronger, regularly disrupting sleep or school, causing frequent physical complaints, or leading your child to withdraw from friends and activities.
A GP, school wellbeing staff member, child psychologist or trusted family support service can help you understand what is happening and make a plan suited to your child. Asking for support is not a sign that you have failed to cope. It is a practical, loving response to a child who needs more tools around them.
Your child does not need you to make military life, shift work or family change feel easy. They need to know that their feelings have a place, their questions will be welcomed, and the adults who love them will keep showing up. Each calm answer, familiar ritual and cuddle after a hard day quietly says the same thing: you are safe, you are unconditionally loved, and we will face this time together.