When a parent packs their kit bag, children often notice far more than the bags by the door. They notice changed routines, worried faces, hurried goodbyes and the empty chair at dinner. The top tools for family separation are not about making those feelings disappear. They give children safe, simple ways to understand what is happening, stay connected and feel unconditionally loved while their person is away.
For ADF families, a separation might be a deployment, exercise, course, posting preparation or an unpredictable period of duty. For FIFO, police, ambulance, fire and other emergency-service families, the shape of the absence may differ, but the emotional questions can sound very similar: Where is Mum? When will Dad be back? Who will pick me up? Do they still think about me?
The most helpful support is usually practical, repeated and matched to your child’s age. A single big conversation rarely carries a child through a long stretch apart. Small, familiar tools can.
Top tools for family separation that children can use
A child-friendly story that gives words to the experience
Books can make a difficult subject feel less lonely. When a child sees a character prepare for a parent’s time away, miss them, ask questions and find ways to cope, they are given permission to recognise their own feelings.
Choose stories that reflect the reality of service family life without making promises no adult can guarantee. A useful book does not tell children they must be brave all the time. It shows that bravery can include crying at bedtime, feeling cross about a changed plan, or asking for an extra cuddle.
Read the same story more than once. Young children often listen quietly the first time, then return with questions days later. You might pause and say, “That character is missing their parent today. I wonder if you have ever felt a bit like that?” Let the answer be whatever it is. There is no need to correct or fix every feeling.
Sea Sky Land books are made with care for defence-connected children, creating a gentle starting point for these conversations around postings, deployments and time apart.
A visual countdown they can understand
Time is hard for young children to measure. “Three weeks” may feel exactly like “forever”, especially if a parent has just left. A simple visual calendar makes the separation more concrete.
For a short exercise or work trip, a paper chain with one link for each sleep can work well. For a longer deployment, consider a monthly calendar with key events marked on it: school assembly, swimming lessons, a grandparent visit, video-call days or the day a care package will be posted. A child can cross off days or add a sticker each morning.
Be thoughtful about return dates. Service schedules can change, and children can feel especially disappointed when a countdown reaches zero but their parent is not home. If the date is uncertain, use language such as, “We are hoping it will be around this time, and we will tell you as soon as we know more.” Marking a “welcome-home window” can be kinder than presenting a date as certain.
Connection rituals that do not rely on perfect contact
A video call can be wonderful, but it is not always possible or easy. Time zones, duty demands, poor reception and tired children can turn a call into a source of pressure. Connection works best when it is not dependent on one format.
Create a few small rituals before the separation begins. Perhaps the away parent records a short bedtime story, writes a note for a lunchbox, or chooses a joke for each week away. A child might keep a shared notebook, drawing pictures and writing messages to show later. Some families use a soft toy that travels between homes and work locations, while others keep a small photo or familiar item beside the bed.
These rituals matter because they say, “Our relationship continues, even when we cannot talk today.” They can be especially reassuring after a missed call. The aim is connection, not a flawless communication schedule.
A feelings tool that makes honesty easier
Children do not always announce that they are anxious or sad. They may become clingy, argue over small things, struggle at school, complain of tummy aches or suddenly insist they do not care. A feelings chart, colour scale or a few simple prompt cards can help turn behaviour into a conversation.
At a regular time, perhaps after school or before bed, ask a low-pressure question: “Was today more green, orange or red?” You could use green for settled, orange for wobbly and red for really hard. Follow with, “What helped?” or “What would make tonight feel a little better?”
Avoid making check-ins feel like a test. Some days your child may say, “Fine,” and move on. That is okay. The value comes from knowing the door is open, not from getting a deep answer every night.
Predictable routines at home
During family separation, routines are a form of reassurance. They show children that while one important part of life has changed, many things remain steady. Familiar morning steps, school drop-offs, meal times and bedtime rituals can reduce the mental load for everyone.
This does not mean you need to run the household perfectly. The parent or caregiver at home is carrying a great deal, and simpler is often better. A regular Friday pizza night, a consistent bath-and-book routine or a visible weekly plan may be enough. If help is offered by trusted friends or family, accepting it can protect the rhythm your child needs.
Where possible, tell children about changes before they happen. “Aunty is doing pick-up on Thursday because I have an appointment” is easier to manage than a last-minute surprise. Predictability helps children feel safe, even when the bigger situation is outside their control.
A way for children to take part
Children can feel powerless when adults are making plans around service or work. Giving them a small, meaningful role can restore a sense of agency. They might choose a photo to send, help make a care package, draw a picture for the fridge, pick the meal for the first night home or create a welcome-home sign.
Keep the task light and optional. The goal is not to make a child responsible for an adult’s happiness or morale. It is simply to remind them that they have an important place in the family, and that their love can be expressed in ways that feel natural to them.
Choosing the right family separation tools for your child
The best tool depends on your child’s developmental stage, personality and the kind of separation you are facing. Preschoolers tend to need concrete language, visual routines and plenty of physical reassurance. Primary-aged children may want more detail, especially if they are hearing snippets from peers, news reports or adults around them. Older children often benefit from privacy as well as connection, so offer opportunities to talk without demanding them.
Be truthful in words a child can carry. You do not need to share adult worries, operational details or every uncertainty. You can say, “Mum is away doing an important job. The grown-ups are working hard to keep everyone safe. You are being looked after, and we will keep talking about what happens next.”
It also helps to expect mixed emotions. A child can be proud of their parent and angry that they are away. They can enjoy a sleepover with grandparents and still cry at lights-out. Neither feeling cancels the other out. Naming both gives children permission to be whole people, not tiny ambassadors for resilience.
When extra support is needed
Many changes in mood and behaviour are a normal response to separation, particularly around departure, missed milestones and homecoming. Still, reach out for support if worries are lasting, intensifying or getting in the way of sleep, school, friendships or everyday life. A trusted GP, school wellbeing staff member, child health professional or counsellor can help you work out what your child needs.
Seeking support is not a sign that your family has failed to cope. It is another way of caring for a child who is doing their best with a situation they did not choose.
The most powerful message a child can receive during time apart is wonderfully simple: you are loved, your feelings make sense, and you do not have to carry them alone. A story at bedtime, a crossed-off calendar square or a familiar cuddle can quietly repeat that message when it matters most.