The day a parent leaves for deployment can feel very big to a small child. A packed bag, an early drive to base, a change in the morning routine - children notice it all, even when adults are trying to keep things calm. The best parenting tools during deployment do not make the separation disappear. They give children safe, repeatable ways to understand what is happening, express how they feel and stay connected to the parent they love.
For ADF families, the most helpful tools are usually not complicated. They are the ones that fit into ordinary family life: a book read at bedtime, a predictable goodbye ritual, a drawing posted in the mail, or a simple sentence a child can use when they miss Mum or Dad. These small supports tell a child something powerful: this is hard, you are allowed to feel it, and you are still unconditionally loved.
What children need when a parent deploys
Children do not experience deployment in the same way as adults. Younger children may not understand time, distance or the reason a parent is away. They may ask the same question many times, become clingier, struggle at bedtime or seem upset by something that appears unrelated. Primary-aged children might worry quietly, feel angry about changed plans, or find it difficult to explain their family life to friends.
There is no single ‘right’ reaction. A child can be cheerful at breakfast, tearful after school and deeply absorbed in play an hour later. This does not mean they are coping badly. It often means they are processing a big change in small, manageable pieces.
The aim is not to persuade children to be brave all the time. It is to help them feel secure enough to be honest. The most useful tools create that sense of safety while giving parents and caregivers a gentle structure for the weeks or months ahead.
Best parenting tools during deployment: start with a shared story
A child-friendly storybook can be one of the most effective places to begin. Stories give children words for experiences they may not yet be able to name. They can show that another child also misses their parent, feels confused by a goodbye, or worries about when things will return to normal.
Choose books that reflect service family life with care, rather than treating a parent’s absence as a simple holiday or a problem to be quickly solved. A good deployment story makes room for mixed feelings. It reassures children that the parent who is away is still thinking of them, while recognising that the parent and child may both feel sad.
Reading the same book more than once is not repetitive in a bad way. Children often return to familiar pages because they are checking the story against their own experience. Pause where it feels natural and ask, “How do you think they feel here?” or “Has anything like that happened for us?” If your child does not want to talk, that is okay too. Sitting together with the story still counts.
Sea Sky Land books are made with care for defence-connected children, offering families a practical way to begin these conversations in language young readers can understand.
Make time visible, not abstract
‘Soon’ and ‘a long time’ mean very little to many young children. They need to see time passing. A visual countdown calendar, paper chain or monthly wall planner can make deployment more concrete without turning every day into a countdown of sadness.
Mark meaningful points along the way: a planned call, school holidays, a birthday, the end of an exercise, or a likely homecoming window if one can be shared. Keep it honest. Defence life can change quickly, so avoid promising an exact date unless it is certain. A phrase such as, “This is our best plan right now, and we will tell you as soon as we know more,” builds trust without creating false certainty.
For younger children, try linking time to familiar events. “After ten more sleeps, we will make a video for Dad.” “When we turn this page on the calendar, we can choose a photo to send Mum.” This makes waiting active rather than helpless.
Create connection rituals that can bend when plans change
Contact during deployment can be a lifeline, but it can also be unpredictable. A missed call or patchy connection may be disappointing for everyone, particularly when a child has been looking forward to it all day. The answer is not to lower the importance of contact. It is to build more than one way of feeling close.
A regular goodnight voice recording, a note tucked into a lunchbox, a shared joke, matching keyrings or a small item belonging to the deployed parent can become comforting anchors. Some families keep a ‘message book’ where children draw pictures, write notes or dictate thoughts for the parent away. Messages can be shared during the next call, posted when appropriate, or saved for homecoming.
Before a call, let children know what to expect: “We will try to talk for ten minutes. The line might cut out, and that will not mean Dad has stopped wanting to talk.” After a difficult call, offer comfort before explanation. “That was frustrating. You were really ready to show Mum your painting.” Their disappointment deserves room.
Keep routines steady, but leave room for feelings
During deployment, daily routines do more than keep the household running. They help children feel that their world is still held together. Consistent meals, school drop-offs, bedtime steps and weekend rhythms can reduce the number of unknowns a child has to carry.
That does not mean every day must run perfectly. The at-home parent or caregiver is carrying a great deal too. A simple routine that happens most of the time is far more helpful than an ambitious one that leaves everyone exhausted. Perhaps bedtime always includes a story and two minutes to name the day’s best and hardest parts. Perhaps Sunday morning is for pancakes and sending a message. Let the routine serve the family, not the other way around.
When behaviour changes, look beneath it before responding. A child who refuses school may be missing their parent. A child who lashes out at a sibling may be overwhelmed by a feeling they cannot explain. Boundaries still matter, but connection comes first: “You are allowed to be angry. You are not allowed to hurt people. Let’s find another way to get that feeling out.”
Give feelings somewhere safe to go
Talking is useful, but it is not the only language children have. Drawing, imaginative play, music, movement and making things can all help a child show what is going on inside. Keep a few low-pressure options available: paper and pencils, playdough, a feelings chart, a worry box, or a soft toy that can ‘listen’ when words are hard.
Avoid pushing for a daily emotional check-in if your child resists it. Instead, make emotional language part of normal conversation. You might say, “I felt a bit wobbly when the call changed today,” or “I can see you are cross that Dad missed football training.” This shows that feelings can be named without becoming overwhelming.
It can help to offer choices rather than questions that feel too large. “Would you like a cuddle, some quiet time, or to draw a picture for Mum?” A choice gives children a little control at a time when many decisions are being made around them.
Bring other trusted adults into the circle
Deployment is easier to carry when children know there are several safe adults around them. Let teachers, early learning educators, coaches and close family members know about the deployment in a way that protects your child’s privacy. They do not need every detail. They simply need enough context to respond with care if your child is quieter than usual, upset on a particular day or struggling with transitions.
For school-aged children, it can be useful to agree on a simple explanation they can use with friends: “My parent is away with the Defence Force for work.” Some children will want to share more, while others will not. Both are okay. The important thing is that they do not feel pressured to speak for their family.
Support for the at-home parent matters, too. Accepting a meal, a school pick-up or an hour of child-minding is not a failure to cope. It protects the energy you need to be emotionally present with your children.
Prepare for homecoming with the same gentleness
Homecoming is joyful, but it can also be an adjustment. Children may be excited and shy at once. Routines may shift again, and everyone needs time to find their place. Avoid expecting an instant return to ‘normal’. Instead, talk about the reunion beforehand, keep early plans simple and allow each family member to reconnect in their own way.
A child who hangs back is not rejecting their parent. They may be taking in a change they have waited a long time for. Familiar rituals, shared reading and quiet one-on-one moments can help bridge the gap.
Deployment asks a great deal of children, but they do not need perfect parents or perfect plans. They need loving adults who tell the truth gently, keep showing up and remind them, again and again, that every feeling has a place in the family.